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As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It frustrates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that professional help might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or exposure, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This journey will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.